Yesterday i had my standard appointment to have my highlights done. My regular stylist left a few months ago, and I have been pleased with the new one. Perhaps not exactly what I have had in the past but she is a very restful person and i have appreciated this. But then she turned my hair orange. She tried to fix it but when it came out worse the second time around, i yelled at her. Eventually the owner came in and three hours later (after a total of eight), i left more brown than orange. But i felt really bad that night about how i treated that young mother. I made another human being feel bad. I dont think anyone has ever been that harsh with me. What is it about the emotion of a moment or an experience that can totally derail me as a good person? Why do i react the way i do, when i know the remedy is to draw a breath, pause, and just do not allow myself to behave badly. Why am i such a bitch? I hope i will remember Incident Orange for a few months and try at least for the remainder of the week to be conscious every single minute of how i am behaving and answering others. But what i would really like is to figure out why i am so compelled to complain these days. I hope that really soon i can become someone i would actually like to be around. I have not seen that person in a while.
What is it about will power and how come resolution to begin tomorrow always seems so possible from the couch the night before and yet by next morning, you look in the mirror, and know that there is no way you’ll be keeping those promises. Is will power stonger when you have screwed up all day and have had time to reflect? I don’t buy that it takes 21 days to instill a habit. I have one or two habits that I know would be best if I could kick to the curb, but to actually do it and stick with it? Eventually it always comes down to thinking that tomorrow or the next day will be Day One. Not saying it is right, just that for now, it is.
I have a busy life like most women. And yet unfortunately i still have time to ruminate on every little thing that may have gone wrong with my day (or week, or month, or year, or previous year, you get my drift). And like a few of us out there, i have a tendency to wonder why things happened, was there some cosmic significance to the event, or was it all just a cosmic joke? I have quite a few zen-like sites bookmarked. I am up early everyday and i look forward to having my morning coffee and reading through what people have to say about how we should best experience life. Most sites are big on Accepting the Present, and Letting Go of whatever you might be holding onto that is creating discontent in your life. Seems to make sense. And yet i still search. I am like the Nancy Drew of Zen Self Help sites looking for clues to why things roll the way they do. My obstinance used to frustrate me. I felt that with all this 6:00 am enightenment, surely i could start to feel more zen-like, and even perhaps have it be noticed by my colleagues. “Look!” They would exclaim, “there goes Nancy, not sure what has happened to her lately, but note the beautific glow and radiant peace eminating from her aura. I want whatever she’s taking!” Nope. It did not happen and to be honest, i am thinking it actually might not ever. So i am wondering if i could just cut myself a break here, and allow for the fact that i am likely to continue wondering what it was that caused me to lose my temper with the dog, or sniffle a bit during the episode where Angela finds out her gay husband is sleeping with Oscar. (I know, i know – it is truly puzzling). I think i will try and embrace it for a while. Go about my day as best i can and when life messes up, i am likely to try and unravel the reasoning. Maybe some of you can come along for the ride. Maybe you will have a few strands you want to unwind as well. Let me know.